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Does anyone mind reviewing my practice essay?
[#permalink]
01 Aug 2023, 10:34
01 Aug 2023, 10:34
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Leaders are created by the demands that placed on them.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position
Quote:
Vince Lombardi once claimed that “leaders are not born, they’re made,” meaning that being a good leader and the qualities associated, are developed and not inherent. However, how are these traits nurtured? One keyway in which these traits are fostered is during demanding dilemmas, in which one must hone their craft and take charge. It is for this reason I strongly believe that leaders are created by the demands that have been placed on them, if and only if, they follow through on appeasing these demands.
Consider the President of the United States, their entire leadership platform is based on the demands of their constituents. It is on these demands that they build their cabinet and advise the other branches of government. It is how they develops their policy agenda and lead the country. The President of the U.S. is often referred to as the “leader of the free world,” so there are not only demands from domestic interests, but there are also international demands that must be considered. A counter argument can be made that leaders don’t need to follow through. Take former president Trump as an example, he promised to build a border wall between the U.S. and Mexico, in which he failed to follow through. He also failed to address the COVID-19 crisis accurately and attentively. However, if a leader does not take charge and appease the standards placed on them, are they really a leader at all? It is for this reason I believe that a leader is only created when they rise to meet the demands of them, and this has been achieved in the civil rights sector.
Continuing with Martin Luther King Jr., a man who observed racial injustices and inequities among communities of color, he rose to the challenge and met the demands of his supporters. King grew up a man of color and leaned into a belief in nonviolent protest, in which he was inspired by Gandhi during a trip in India in 1959. He noticed to silent demand of the African American community to be equal to the white man and took it upon himself to enact change he wished to see in the world. With rising support came criticisms of his practices. A counter argument can be made here that King failed to follow through on the demands that he alters his course to more violent action. However, towards the end of his life King noticed that his support base no longer believed in his nonviolent tradition, as such he adjusted his ways. Not supporting violent action but condoning riots as a “special form of violence” intended not to seize property or control, but to shock the white community. It is possible for leaders to adapt as the demands of them shift and thus, become even stronger leaders because of this.
Being a leader does not mean being perfect, if this were true there would be no leaders. However, there is a level of duty expected when a human takes on the role of a leader. They are accepting responsibility over entire companies, countries, or movements, which can sometimes mean protecting the best interests of hundreds of millions. Being a leader is about knowing how to do what is required, not every demand placed on one can be met, but the strive to meet demands is what differentiates leaders from the masses.
Overall leaders are created by the demands placed upon them and the subsequent difficult situations that put their qualities to the test. It is only when people can deliver on these demands by making difficult decisions that they transcend and become leaders.
Consider the President of the United States, their entire leadership platform is based on the demands of their constituents. It is on these demands that they build their cabinet and advise the other branches of government. It is how they develops their policy agenda and lead the country. The President of the U.S. is often referred to as the “leader of the free world,” so there are not only demands from domestic interests, but there are also international demands that must be considered. A counter argument can be made that leaders don’t need to follow through. Take former president Trump as an example, he promised to build a border wall between the U.S. and Mexico, in which he failed to follow through. He also failed to address the COVID-19 crisis accurately and attentively. However, if a leader does not take charge and appease the standards placed on them, are they really a leader at all? It is for this reason I believe that a leader is only created when they rise to meet the demands of them, and this has been achieved in the civil rights sector.
Continuing with Martin Luther King Jr., a man who observed racial injustices and inequities among communities of color, he rose to the challenge and met the demands of his supporters. King grew up a man of color and leaned into a belief in nonviolent protest, in which he was inspired by Gandhi during a trip in India in 1959. He noticed to silent demand of the African American community to be equal to the white man and took it upon himself to enact change he wished to see in the world. With rising support came criticisms of his practices. A counter argument can be made here that King failed to follow through on the demands that he alters his course to more violent action. However, towards the end of his life King noticed that his support base no longer believed in his nonviolent tradition, as such he adjusted his ways. Not supporting violent action but condoning riots as a “special form of violence” intended not to seize property or control, but to shock the white community. It is possible for leaders to adapt as the demands of them shift and thus, become even stronger leaders because of this.
Being a leader does not mean being perfect, if this were true there would be no leaders. However, there is a level of duty expected when a human takes on the role of a leader. They are accepting responsibility over entire companies, countries, or movements, which can sometimes mean protecting the best interests of hundreds of millions. Being a leader is about knowing how to do what is required, not every demand placed on one can be met, but the strive to meet demands is what differentiates leaders from the masses.
Overall leaders are created by the demands placed upon them and the subsequent difficult situations that put their qualities to the test. It is only when people can deliver on these demands by making difficult decisions that they transcend and become leaders.
Re: Does anyone mind reviewing my practice essay?
[#permalink]
01 Aug 2023, 16:21
01 Aug 2023, 16:21
1
Expert Reply
Assignment Score: 76.25
Statistics
1. You have written 604 words.
2. I count a total of 5 paragraphs.
3. You have written 32 sentences.
4. Your average sentence length is 18.94.
5. You have written 2 questions.
6. You have used 2 first-person pronouns (I, me, my, mine).
Writing quality: 80%
Cohesion:
You have a number of transition words and cohesion devices to help your reader understand the relationship between your ideas. Add more transition words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of transitions that you can use are as follows: along the same lines, because of this, as an example, as an illustration, take the case of, to illustrate, as a matter of fact, there is no question that, without a doubt.Your score for this feature = 80/100
Dynamism:
Your writing style is quite dynamic. You write a variety of short sentences and long sentences. Increase the variance in your sentence length to increase your score. Your score for this feature = 80/100
Provocativeness:
Your essay contains words that will provoke an emotional reaction in your reader. Provocative words help to engage and sustain your reader's attention. Add more to increase your score. Here are some examples of words that provoke an emotional reaction in readers: awe-inspiring, brutal, children, danger, explode, fear, gorgeous, hoax, invasion... Your score for this feature = 80/100
Cliches:
I did not detect any cliches in your writing. No penalty was applied.
Exclamation marks:
I did not detect any exclamation marks in your writing. No penalty was applied.
Essay structure and content: 55%
Paragraph 1 - introduction: 83%
Title:
I could not detect any word with four letters or more in your title that was not capitalized. This tells me that you have capitalized your title correctly. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Opening:
Vince Lombardi once claimed that “leaders are not born, they’re made,” meaning that being a good leader and the qualities associated, are developed and not inherent.
I noticed that you started your essay with quote or a claim by a notable figure to engage your reader's attention. That's good. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Context:
I checked your introduction for words and phrases that writers use to establish the importance of their topic. I was unable to find any matches. Establish the importance of your topic with one of these phrases: a vital factor in, the leading cause of, widely considered to be, set to become, undergoing a revolution, is responsible for. There are others. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Thesis:
It is for this reason I strongly believe that leaders are created by the demands that have been placed on them, if and only if, they follow through on appeasing these demands.
The last sentence uses provocative words that will make an impact on your reader. That's good. Remember that a good thesis statement should express a debatable claim that you can support with evidence and reasons. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Paragraph 2 - supporting argument: 70%
Topic sentence:
Consider the President of the United States, their entire leadership platform is based on the demands of their constituents.
The first sentence of this paragraph contains words that will have an impact on your reader. That's good.
Nevertheless, remember this advice: an effective topic sentence in an argument essay should make a debatable claim that the rest of the paragraph will elaborate on with reasons and examples. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Argue:
You have used multiple words commonly used in argumentation. That's excellent. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's NOT good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have used two words commonly used for providing support. That's good. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 80/100
Paragraph 3 - supporting argument: 45%
Topic sentence:
Continuing with Martin Luther King Jr., a man who observed racial injustices and inequities among communities of color, he rose to the challenge and met the demands of his supporters.
The first sentence of your first body paragraph contains words that will have an impact on your reader. That's good. You can improve this feature of your essay by strengthening your claim with provocative words.
Here is an example of a topic sentence that makes a strong claim: We need to tax processed food with added sugar to reduce the harm it is causing. Your score for this feature = 80/100
Argue:
You have used multiple words commonly used in argumentation. That's excellent. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's NOT good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have not used any words commonly used for providing support. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Paragraph 4 - supporting argument: 40%
Topic sentence:
Being a leader does not mean being perfect, if this were true there would be no leaders.
The first sentence of this paragraph contains words that will have an impact on your reader. That's good.
Nevertheless, remember this advice: an effective topic sentence in an argument essay should make a debatable claim that the rest of the paragraph will elaborate on with reasons and examples. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Argue:
You have used a word commonly used in argumentation. That's a good start. However, try to use one or two more argumentation words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: by analogy, we can conclude, evidence, fact, fallacy, implication, follows that, it makes sense, opinion, point of view, posit, premise, proof, statistic, reason, relevance. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's NOT good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have not used any words commonly used for providing support. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Paragraph 5 - conclusion: 26%
Reformulation of the thesis:
Overall leaders are created by the demands placed upon them and the subsequent difficult situations that put their qualities to the test.
Your reformulated thesis in your conclusion is 15% the same as your thesis statement in your introduction. That's good. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Recommendation:
The paragraph contains suggestion words like
No recommendation? I checked your conclusion for advice words to see if you had recommended a course of action to your reader. I was unable to detect any of these words and their conjugations: should, must, have to, has to, ought to, recommend, propose, encourage. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Prediction:
No prediction? I checked your conclusion for prediction words to see if you had made a prediction. I was unable to detect any of these words: will, would, going to, likely to. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Vocabulary: 100%
Argument-related words: argument, because, belief, believe, believed, reason, so, states, support, supporting, thus, true
Feedback: You have used many words related to argumentation. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Vocabulary profile:
Feedback: 51% of your essay comprises the most common 1000 words in the language. You possess a very large vocabulary and excellent academic potential. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Academic vocabulary profile: constituent, create, policy, require, role, sector, achieve, community, tradition, shift, civil, domestic, overall, subsequent, adjust, alter, challenge, adapt, differentiates, inherent
Feedback: 20% of your essay comprises words from the academic word list. You possess a very large academic vocabulary and suggests excellent academic potential. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Language Accuracy: 70%
Number of errors: 7
Feedback: I detected a significant number of errors in your writing. Do your best to eliminate any avoidable errors in your writing by rereading your essay carefully and by using a spell checker and grammar checker. Your score for this feature = 70/100
Grammar Check Feedback
You wrote: ...ver, how are these traits nurtured? One keyway in which these traits are fostered is d...
Feedback: Possible spelling mistake found
Suggestion: key way
You wrote: ...t have been placed on them, if and only if, they follow through on appeasing these...
Feedback: You need an article or a plural. Revise: "an if" or "ifs". (4)
Suggestion: an if, ifs
You wrote: ... branches of government. It is how they develops their policy agenda and lead the countr...
Feedback: The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "develop"
Suggestion: develop
You wrote: ...n’t need to follow through. Take former president Trump as an example, he promised to bui...
Feedback: Capitalize days of the week, proper names, months, cities, provinces, countries, languages, and nationalities.
Suggestion: President
You wrote: ...and this has been achieved in the civil rights sector. Continuing with Martin Luther K...
Feedback: An apostrophe seems to be missing. Use the possessive form here: ""? (Ap03)
Suggestion:
You wrote: ...action. However, towards the end of his life King noticed that his support base no l...
Feedback: Put a comma after your introductory prepositional phrase. "towards end of his life, King noticed...".
Suggestion: towards end of his life, King noticed...
You wrote: ...ry demand placed on one can be met, but the strive to meet demands is what differentiates ...
Feedback: This is probably an article error. You cannot use "a" or "the" with an infinitive verb.
Statistics
1. You have written 604 words.
2. I count a total of 5 paragraphs.
3. You have written 32 sentences.
4. Your average sentence length is 18.94.
5. You have written 2 questions.
6. You have used 2 first-person pronouns (I, me, my, mine).
Writing quality: 80%
Cohesion:
You have a number of transition words and cohesion devices to help your reader understand the relationship between your ideas. Add more transition words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of transitions that you can use are as follows: along the same lines, because of this, as an example, as an illustration, take the case of, to illustrate, as a matter of fact, there is no question that, without a doubt.Your score for this feature = 80/100
Dynamism:
Your writing style is quite dynamic. You write a variety of short sentences and long sentences. Increase the variance in your sentence length to increase your score. Your score for this feature = 80/100
Provocativeness:
Your essay contains words that will provoke an emotional reaction in your reader. Provocative words help to engage and sustain your reader's attention. Add more to increase your score. Here are some examples of words that provoke an emotional reaction in readers: awe-inspiring, brutal, children, danger, explode, fear, gorgeous, hoax, invasion... Your score for this feature = 80/100
Cliches:
I did not detect any cliches in your writing. No penalty was applied.
Exclamation marks:
I did not detect any exclamation marks in your writing. No penalty was applied.
Essay structure and content: 55%
Paragraph 1 - introduction: 83%
Title:
I could not detect any word with four letters or more in your title that was not capitalized. This tells me that you have capitalized your title correctly. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Opening:
Vince Lombardi once claimed that “leaders are not born, they’re made,” meaning that being a good leader and the qualities associated, are developed and not inherent.
I noticed that you started your essay with quote or a claim by a notable figure to engage your reader's attention. That's good. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Context:
I checked your introduction for words and phrases that writers use to establish the importance of their topic. I was unable to find any matches. Establish the importance of your topic with one of these phrases: a vital factor in, the leading cause of, widely considered to be, set to become, undergoing a revolution, is responsible for. There are others. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Thesis:
It is for this reason I strongly believe that leaders are created by the demands that have been placed on them, if and only if, they follow through on appeasing these demands.
The last sentence uses provocative words that will make an impact on your reader. That's good. Remember that a good thesis statement should express a debatable claim that you can support with evidence and reasons. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Paragraph 2 - supporting argument: 70%
Topic sentence:
Consider the President of the United States, their entire leadership platform is based on the demands of their constituents.
The first sentence of this paragraph contains words that will have an impact on your reader. That's good.
Nevertheless, remember this advice: an effective topic sentence in an argument essay should make a debatable claim that the rest of the paragraph will elaborate on with reasons and examples. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Argue:
You have used multiple words commonly used in argumentation. That's excellent. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's NOT good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have used two words commonly used for providing support. That's good. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 80/100
Paragraph 3 - supporting argument: 45%
Topic sentence:
Continuing with Martin Luther King Jr., a man who observed racial injustices and inequities among communities of color, he rose to the challenge and met the demands of his supporters.
The first sentence of your first body paragraph contains words that will have an impact on your reader. That's good. You can improve this feature of your essay by strengthening your claim with provocative words.
Here is an example of a topic sentence that makes a strong claim: We need to tax processed food with added sugar to reduce the harm it is causing. Your score for this feature = 80/100
Argue:
You have used multiple words commonly used in argumentation. That's excellent. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's NOT good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have not used any words commonly used for providing support. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Paragraph 4 - supporting argument: 40%
Topic sentence:
Being a leader does not mean being perfect, if this were true there would be no leaders.
The first sentence of this paragraph contains words that will have an impact on your reader. That's good.
Nevertheless, remember this advice: an effective topic sentence in an argument essay should make a debatable claim that the rest of the paragraph will elaborate on with reasons and examples. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Argue:
You have used a word commonly used in argumentation. That's a good start. However, try to use one or two more argumentation words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: by analogy, we can conclude, evidence, fact, fallacy, implication, follows that, it makes sense, opinion, point of view, posit, premise, proof, statistic, reason, relevance. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's NOT good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have not used any words commonly used for providing support. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Paragraph 5 - conclusion: 26%
Reformulation of the thesis:
Overall leaders are created by the demands placed upon them and the subsequent difficult situations that put their qualities to the test.
Your reformulated thesis in your conclusion is 15% the same as your thesis statement in your introduction. That's good. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Recommendation:
The paragraph contains suggestion words like
No recommendation? I checked your conclusion for advice words to see if you had recommended a course of action to your reader. I was unable to detect any of these words and their conjugations: should, must, have to, has to, ought to, recommend, propose, encourage. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Prediction:
No prediction? I checked your conclusion for prediction words to see if you had made a prediction. I was unable to detect any of these words: will, would, going to, likely to. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Vocabulary: 100%
Argument-related words: argument, because, belief, believe, believed, reason, so, states, support, supporting, thus, true
Feedback: You have used many words related to argumentation. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Vocabulary profile:
Feedback: 51% of your essay comprises the most common 1000 words in the language. You possess a very large vocabulary and excellent academic potential. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Academic vocabulary profile: constituent, create, policy, require, role, sector, achieve, community, tradition, shift, civil, domestic, overall, subsequent, adjust, alter, challenge, adapt, differentiates, inherent
Feedback: 20% of your essay comprises words from the academic word list. You possess a very large academic vocabulary and suggests excellent academic potential. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Language Accuracy: 70%
Number of errors: 7
Feedback: I detected a significant number of errors in your writing. Do your best to eliminate any avoidable errors in your writing by rereading your essay carefully and by using a spell checker and grammar checker. Your score for this feature = 70/100
Grammar Check Feedback
You wrote: ...ver, how are these traits nurtured? One keyway in which these traits are fostered is d...
Feedback: Possible spelling mistake found
Suggestion: key way
You wrote: ...t have been placed on them, if and only if, they follow through on appeasing these...
Feedback: You need an article or a plural. Revise: "an if" or "ifs". (4)
Suggestion: an if, ifs
You wrote: ... branches of government. It is how they develops their policy agenda and lead the countr...
Feedback: The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "develop"
Suggestion: develop
You wrote: ...n’t need to follow through. Take former president Trump as an example, he promised to bui...
Feedback: Capitalize days of the week, proper names, months, cities, provinces, countries, languages, and nationalities.
Suggestion: President
You wrote: ...and this has been achieved in the civil rights sector. Continuing with Martin Luther K...
Feedback: An apostrophe seems to be missing. Use the possessive form here: ""? (Ap03)
Suggestion:
You wrote: ...action. However, towards the end of his life King noticed that his support base no l...
Feedback: Put a comma after your introductory prepositional phrase. "towards end of his life, King noticed...".
Suggestion: towards end of his life, King noticed...
You wrote: ...ry demand placed on one can be met, but the strive to meet demands is what differentiates ...
Feedback: This is probably an article error. You cannot use "a" or "the" with an infinitive verb.
Re: Does anyone mind reviewing my practice essay?
[#permalink]
01 Aug 2023, 16:21
01 Aug 2023, 16:21
1
Expert Reply
It is good as essay even though I would articulate a bit further
