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Can someone please evaluate my AWA argument essay and give a score ?
[#permalink]
07 Aug 2023, 02:07
07 Aug 2023, 02:07
Question: As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to
think for themselves will surely deteriorate.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the
statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your
position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and
explain how these considerations shape your position.
Answer:
Technology holds a significant place in today's world. One cannot imagine living without the use of technology and this may be because of the way we are accustomed to using technology and mobile phones for every task making our lives better. This use of technology has facilitated a man to perform complex calculations within seconds, use google maps for easy travel and even order food instantly. While these could result in a better and easier living conditions, there are other important aspects in which technology plays a major role. Considering its impact in health today, there are major advancements happening in the treatments for example apps that now warn us incase of a higher heart rate or extremely low heart rate so that necessary actions can be taken. Doctors use various machines to determine the test results before detecting the actual problem of the patient. People from other professions including teachers in schools or professors in a college can use technology to teach students using animation tools which help students to understand and grasp concepts by live visualisation techniques.
Although the above reasons prove to us that the uses of technology are immense, there is one major aspect about technology which stands to be a major disadvantage. Children being exposed to tech accessories at an early age, can get addicted to social media and video games like PUBG. This would rather be a major cause for students getting distracted thus allowing limited focus on the other tasks at hand. For example, a video streaming platform like youtube can have videos inappropriate for watching especially for children. Since there is less amount of limitations on watching video content for different age groups, this might seriously impact the child's mindset.
It is every individual's duty to understand that technology is just a part of our lives which could enable a better living by automating mundane tasks thus reducing significant amount of time. Hence , the pros and cons of technology would completely depend on its usage. Thus, in my opinion, generalising the fact whether the technology today impacts positively or negatively would be incorrect. Technology would enable people to think about the bigger tasks and complex tasks at hand and technology could aid in bringing those ideas into a reality. Considering rocket launching and incorporating new ideas like fitting in an AI into the rocket which led to come up with a greater analysis while investigating whether life in moon is possible.
think for themselves will surely deteriorate.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the
statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your
position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and
explain how these considerations shape your position.
Answer:
Technology holds a significant place in today's world. One cannot imagine living without the use of technology and this may be because of the way we are accustomed to using technology and mobile phones for every task making our lives better. This use of technology has facilitated a man to perform complex calculations within seconds, use google maps for easy travel and even order food instantly. While these could result in a better and easier living conditions, there are other important aspects in which technology plays a major role. Considering its impact in health today, there are major advancements happening in the treatments for example apps that now warn us incase of a higher heart rate or extremely low heart rate so that necessary actions can be taken. Doctors use various machines to determine the test results before detecting the actual problem of the patient. People from other professions including teachers in schools or professors in a college can use technology to teach students using animation tools which help students to understand and grasp concepts by live visualisation techniques.
Although the above reasons prove to us that the uses of technology are immense, there is one major aspect about technology which stands to be a major disadvantage. Children being exposed to tech accessories at an early age, can get addicted to social media and video games like PUBG. This would rather be a major cause for students getting distracted thus allowing limited focus on the other tasks at hand. For example, a video streaming platform like youtube can have videos inappropriate for watching especially for children. Since there is less amount of limitations on watching video content for different age groups, this might seriously impact the child's mindset.
It is every individual's duty to understand that technology is just a part of our lives which could enable a better living by automating mundane tasks thus reducing significant amount of time. Hence , the pros and cons of technology would completely depend on its usage. Thus, in my opinion, generalising the fact whether the technology today impacts positively or negatively would be incorrect. Technology would enable people to think about the bigger tasks and complex tasks at hand and technology could aid in bringing those ideas into a reality. Considering rocket launching and incorporating new ideas like fitting in an AI into the rocket which led to come up with a greater analysis while investigating whether life in moon is possible.
Re: Can someone please evaluate my AWA argument essay and give a score ?
[#permalink]
21 Aug 2023, 23:11
21 Aug 2023, 23:11
Expert Reply
Argument Essay
Assignment Score: 3.5
Writing quantity
1. You have written 409 words.
2. I count a total of 3 paragraphs.
3. You have written 17 sentences.
4. You have written 0 question.
Essay structure and content: 46%
Paragraph 1 - introduction: 42%
Opening:
Technology holds a significant place in today's world.
I was expecting to find a question mark at the end of the first sentence of your introduction. There wasn't one. Remember to start your essay with a question to engage your reader's attention. Try questions like these: Have you ever seen...? or Did you know that...? Your score for this feature = 0/100
I was unable to detect any errors in your first sentence. That's good. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Context:
I checked your introduction for words and phrases that writers use to establish the importance of their topic. I was unable to find any matches. Establish the importance of your topic with one of these phrases: a vital factor in, the leading cause of, widely considered to be, set to become, undergoing a revolution, is responsible for. Your score for this feature = 0/100
You have chosen climate change as your topic, but your introduction only contains one climate-related word. Use more for a higher score. Here are some words I expected to encounter in a discussion on this topic: climate, fossil fuels, global warming, greenhouse gases, IPCC, PPM, CO2, GHGs. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Thesis:
People from other professions including teachers in schools or professors in a college can use technology to teach students using animation tools which help students to understand and grasp concepts by live visualisation techniques.
Remember that a good thesis statement should express a succinct debatable claim with supporting reasons that you can develop with evidence.
Here is an example of a debatable thesis statement that makes a strong claim: We desperately need an added-sugar tax in this country because taxing sugar will cut sales of unhealthy food and because the tax money we collect can pay to treat the diseases caused by added sugar.
Here is an example of a thesis statement related to internet censorship: Clearly, the internet must remain free because censorship kills free markets and threatens to destroy our democratic system.
Here is an example of a thesis statement related to animal rights: Every animal deserves rights because they feel and have intrinsic value.
Here is an example of a thesis statement related to abortion: Every woman should have access to safe abortions because women deserve control over their bodies and because not all women have the financial resources to bring a pregnancy to term.
Your score for this feature = 50/100
Paragraph 2 - first supporting argument: 52%
Topic sentence:
Although the above reasons prove to us that the uses of technology are immense, there is one major aspect about technology which stands to be a major disadvantage.
The first sentence of this paragraph has characteristics of a good topic sentence. That's good.
Nevertheless, remember this advice: an effective topic sentence in an argument essay should make one debatable claim that will catch your reader's attention and that the rest of the paragraph will elaborate on with reasons and examples. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Argue:
You have used multiple words commonly used in argumentation. That's excellent. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's not good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Cite sources:
You have not included an in-text citation, as far as I can tell. I was expecting to find a capitalized name (Walker) or year (2019) in parentheses in your first body paragraph. Scholars must use and cite information from reliable sources. Speak to your teacher or review the lesson in your textbook about how to cite sources within your paragraph. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have used a word commonly used when providing support. That's good. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Paragraph 3 - second supporting argument: 42%
Topic sentence:
It is every individual's duty to understand that technology is just a part of our lives which could enable a better living by automating mundane tasks thus reducing significant amount of time.
The first sentence of this second body paragraph has characteristics of a strong topic sentence. That's good. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Argue:
You have used multiple words commonly used in argumentation. That's excellent. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's not good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Cite sources:
You have not included an in-text citation, as far as I can tell. I was expecting to find a capitalized name (Walker) or year (2019) in parentheses in your second body paragraph. Scholars must use and cite information from reliable sources. Speak to your teacher or review the lesson in your textbook about how to cite sources within your paragraph. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have not used any words commonly used for providing support. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Vocabulary: 60%
Argument-related words: because, fact, hence, opinion, reasons, since, so, thus
Feedback: You have used many words related to argumentation. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Topic-related words: health, technology
Feedback: You have used 1 or 2 controversy-related words in your essay. That's a start. Your score for this feature = 20/100
Works Cited Section: 0%
Language Accuracy: 35%
Number of errors: 10
Feedback: I detected many errors in your writing. Reread your essay carefully and use a spell checker and grammar checker to help you identify and eliminate avoidable errors. Your score for this feature = 35/100
Grammar Check Feedback
You wrote: ...he treatments for example apps that now warn us incase of a higher heart rate or ext...
Feedback: You have a problem with your verb agreement. The pronoun "that" must be used with a third-person verb: "warns". (VA201)
Suggestion: warns
You wrote: ...ments for example apps that now warn us incase of a higher heart rate or extremely low he...
Feedback: Did you mean this? "in case of"?
Suggestion: in case of
You wrote: ...uding teachers in schools or professors in a college can use technology to teach s...
Feedback: The usual preposition for "college" is "at." Revise: "at a college".
Suggestion: at a college
You wrote: ...o understand and grasp concepts by live visualisation techniques. Although the above reasons ...
Feedback: Possible spelling mistake found
Suggestion: visualization, visualisations
You wrote: ...xample, a video streaming platform like youtube can have videos inappropriate for watch...
Feedback: Wait! Isn't "youtube" the name of a website? Capitalize it like this: "YouTube".
Suggestion: YouTube
You wrote: ...especially for children. Since there is less amount of limitations on watching video...
Feedback: Did you mean this? "fewer amounts"? The noun amount is countable.
Suggestion: fewer amounts
You wrote: ...ially for children. Since there is less amount of limitations on watching video conten...
Feedback: Something is missing here. You either need an article with "less amount" or a plural form.
Suggestion: a less amount, less amounts
You wrote: ...ducing significant amount of time. Hence , the pros and cons of technology would c...
Feedback: Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
Suggestion: ,
You wrote: ...pend on its usage. Thus, in my opinion, generalising the fact whether the technology today i...
Feedback: Possible spelling mistake found
Suggestion: generalizing
You wrote: ...sis while investigating whether life in moon is possible.
Feedback: The article is missing before the noun: "a moon", "the moon".
Suggestion: a moon, the moon
Assignment Score: 3.5
Writing quantity
1. You have written 409 words.
2. I count a total of 3 paragraphs.
3. You have written 17 sentences.
4. You have written 0 question.
Essay structure and content: 46%
Paragraph 1 - introduction: 42%
Opening:
Technology holds a significant place in today's world.
I was expecting to find a question mark at the end of the first sentence of your introduction. There wasn't one. Remember to start your essay with a question to engage your reader's attention. Try questions like these: Have you ever seen...? or Did you know that...? Your score for this feature = 0/100
I was unable to detect any errors in your first sentence. That's good. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Context:
I checked your introduction for words and phrases that writers use to establish the importance of their topic. I was unable to find any matches. Establish the importance of your topic with one of these phrases: a vital factor in, the leading cause of, widely considered to be, set to become, undergoing a revolution, is responsible for. Your score for this feature = 0/100
You have chosen climate change as your topic, but your introduction only contains one climate-related word. Use more for a higher score. Here are some words I expected to encounter in a discussion on this topic: climate, fossil fuels, global warming, greenhouse gases, IPCC, PPM, CO2, GHGs. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Thesis:
People from other professions including teachers in schools or professors in a college can use technology to teach students using animation tools which help students to understand and grasp concepts by live visualisation techniques.
Remember that a good thesis statement should express a succinct debatable claim with supporting reasons that you can develop with evidence.
Here is an example of a debatable thesis statement that makes a strong claim: We desperately need an added-sugar tax in this country because taxing sugar will cut sales of unhealthy food and because the tax money we collect can pay to treat the diseases caused by added sugar.
Here is an example of a thesis statement related to internet censorship: Clearly, the internet must remain free because censorship kills free markets and threatens to destroy our democratic system.
Here is an example of a thesis statement related to animal rights: Every animal deserves rights because they feel and have intrinsic value.
Here is an example of a thesis statement related to abortion: Every woman should have access to safe abortions because women deserve control over their bodies and because not all women have the financial resources to bring a pregnancy to term.
Your score for this feature = 50/100
Paragraph 2 - first supporting argument: 52%
Topic sentence:
Although the above reasons prove to us that the uses of technology are immense, there is one major aspect about technology which stands to be a major disadvantage.
The first sentence of this paragraph has characteristics of a good topic sentence. That's good.
Nevertheless, remember this advice: an effective topic sentence in an argument essay should make one debatable claim that will catch your reader's attention and that the rest of the paragraph will elaborate on with reasons and examples. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Argue:
You have used multiple words commonly used in argumentation. That's excellent. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's not good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Cite sources:
You have not included an in-text citation, as far as I can tell. I was expecting to find a capitalized name (Walker) or year (2019) in parentheses in your first body paragraph. Scholars must use and cite information from reliable sources. Speak to your teacher or review the lesson in your textbook about how to cite sources within your paragraph. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have used a word commonly used when providing support. That's good. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Paragraph 3 - second supporting argument: 42%
Topic sentence:
It is every individual's duty to understand that technology is just a part of our lives which could enable a better living by automating mundane tasks thus reducing significant amount of time.
The first sentence of this second body paragraph has characteristics of a strong topic sentence. That's good. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Argue:
You have used multiple words commonly used in argumentation. That's excellent. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's not good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Cite sources:
You have not included an in-text citation, as far as I can tell. I was expecting to find a capitalized name (Walker) or year (2019) in parentheses in your second body paragraph. Scholars must use and cite information from reliable sources. Speak to your teacher or review the lesson in your textbook about how to cite sources within your paragraph. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have not used any words commonly used for providing support. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Vocabulary: 60%
Argument-related words: because, fact, hence, opinion, reasons, since, so, thus
Feedback: You have used many words related to argumentation. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Topic-related words: health, technology
Feedback: You have used 1 or 2 controversy-related words in your essay. That's a start. Your score for this feature = 20/100
Works Cited Section: 0%
Language Accuracy: 35%
Number of errors: 10
Feedback: I detected many errors in your writing. Reread your essay carefully and use a spell checker and grammar checker to help you identify and eliminate avoidable errors. Your score for this feature = 35/100
Grammar Check Feedback
You wrote: ...he treatments for example apps that now warn us incase of a higher heart rate or ext...
Feedback: You have a problem with your verb agreement. The pronoun "that" must be used with a third-person verb: "warns". (VA201)
Suggestion: warns
You wrote: ...ments for example apps that now warn us incase of a higher heart rate or extremely low he...
Feedback: Did you mean this? "in case of"?
Suggestion: in case of
You wrote: ...uding teachers in schools or professors in a college can use technology to teach s...
Feedback: The usual preposition for "college" is "at." Revise: "at a college".
Suggestion: at a college
You wrote: ...o understand and grasp concepts by live visualisation techniques. Although the above reasons ...
Feedback: Possible spelling mistake found
Suggestion: visualization, visualisations
You wrote: ...xample, a video streaming platform like youtube can have videos inappropriate for watch...
Feedback: Wait! Isn't "youtube" the name of a website? Capitalize it like this: "YouTube".
Suggestion: YouTube
You wrote: ...especially for children. Since there is less amount of limitations on watching video...
Feedback: Did you mean this? "fewer amounts"? The noun amount is countable.
Suggestion: fewer amounts
You wrote: ...ially for children. Since there is less amount of limitations on watching video conten...
Feedback: Something is missing here. You either need an article with "less amount" or a plural form.
Suggestion: a less amount, less amounts
You wrote: ...ducing significant amount of time. Hence , the pros and cons of technology would c...
Feedback: Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
Suggestion: ,
You wrote: ...pend on its usage. Thus, in my opinion, generalising the fact whether the technology today i...
Feedback: Possible spelling mistake found
Suggestion: generalizing
You wrote: ...sis while investigating whether life in moon is possible.
Feedback: The article is missing before the noun: "a moon", "the moon".
Suggestion: a moon, the moon
gmatclubot
Re: Can someone please evaluate my AWA argument essay and give a score ? [#permalink]
21 Aug 2023, 23:11
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