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REVIEW GRE ESSAY
[#permalink]
12 Dec 2024, 03:57
12 Dec 2024, 03:57
Can you please help me to assess my essay? Can you please highlight what I can improve upon?
The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
The argument states that instilling a sense of cooperation not competition is a best way to prepare young people for leadership in government, industry and other fields. While this argument is valid, it is beholden to several circumstances.
First of all, achievements and failures of key historical figures prove validity of this argument. To illustrate, as a result of politics in Bangladesh aimed at several sartorial ambitions: suppression of corruption, ameliorate quality of life, promoting education, government achieved economic prosperity during several consecutive years. Leaders in Bangladesh cooperated with people in Bangladesh to bring economic prosperity in the country rather than engaging in such crimes as corruption and taking advantage of middle class workers in the country. On the other hand, bureaucracy and corruption in Italy by president Berlusconi led to economic deterioration in the country.
While sense of cooperation led to economic prosperity based on the historical events outlined in the paragraph above, healthy sense of competition may be one of the ingredients of high quality deliverables. For instance, participants of academic Olympiads have implicit sense of competition. It motivates them to get outside of their comfort zone to produce competitive results and produce inventions that may benefit society.
Secondly, cooperation may lead to healthy relationships among workers in the professional settings. For instance, as a result of cooperation with each other, employees work towards achievement centralized company’s goals rather than achieving targets of their departments. Centralization will not only lead to achievement of common goals but also addresses the risks of disjointed operations and company falling apart in the next couple of years.
To conclude, I agree that sense of cooperation and not competition fosters better leadership and lead to economic development in the long term. Competition helps young generation to make their skills stronger and to know where they are in the society.
The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
The argument states that instilling a sense of cooperation not competition is a best way to prepare young people for leadership in government, industry and other fields. While this argument is valid, it is beholden to several circumstances.
First of all, achievements and failures of key historical figures prove validity of this argument. To illustrate, as a result of politics in Bangladesh aimed at several sartorial ambitions: suppression of corruption, ameliorate quality of life, promoting education, government achieved economic prosperity during several consecutive years. Leaders in Bangladesh cooperated with people in Bangladesh to bring economic prosperity in the country rather than engaging in such crimes as corruption and taking advantage of middle class workers in the country. On the other hand, bureaucracy and corruption in Italy by president Berlusconi led to economic deterioration in the country.
While sense of cooperation led to economic prosperity based on the historical events outlined in the paragraph above, healthy sense of competition may be one of the ingredients of high quality deliverables. For instance, participants of academic Olympiads have implicit sense of competition. It motivates them to get outside of their comfort zone to produce competitive results and produce inventions that may benefit society.
Secondly, cooperation may lead to healthy relationships among workers in the professional settings. For instance, as a result of cooperation with each other, employees work towards achievement centralized company’s goals rather than achieving targets of their departments. Centralization will not only lead to achievement of common goals but also addresses the risks of disjointed operations and company falling apart in the next couple of years.
To conclude, I agree that sense of cooperation and not competition fosters better leadership and lead to economic development in the long term. Competition helps young generation to make their skills stronger and to know where they are in the society.
Re: REVIEW GRE ESSAY
[#permalink]
12 Dec 2024, 05:45
12 Dec 2024, 05:45
Expert Reply
Assignment Score: 67.25
Statistics
1. You have written 306 words.
2. I count a total of 5 paragraphs.
3. You have written 14 sentences.
4. Your average sentence length is 21.86.
5. You have written 0 question.
6. You have used 1 first-person pronoun (I, me, my, mine).
Writing quality: 53%
Cohesion:
You have transition words and cohesion devices in your essay to help your reader understand the relationship between your ideas. Add more transition words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of transitions that you can use are as follows: along the same lines, because of this, as an example, as an illustration, take the case of, to illustrate, as a matter of fact, there is no question that, without a doubt. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Dynamism:
Your writing style is only somewhat dynamic. Increase the variance in your sentence length by writing a combination of short sentences and long sentences to increase your score. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Provocativeness:
Your essay contains very few words that will provoke an emotional reaction in your reader. Provocative words help to engage and sustain your reader's attention. Add more to increase your score. Here are some examples of words that provoke an emotional reaction in readers: awe-inspiring, brutal, children, danger, explode, fear, gorgeous, hoax, invasion... Your score for this feature = 40/100
Cliches:
I did not detect any cliches in your writing. No penalty was applied.
Exclamation marks:
I did not detect any exclamation marks in your writing. No penalty was applied.
Essay structure and content: 50%
Paragraph 1 - introduction: 83%
Title:
I could not detect any word with four letters or more in your title that was not capitalized. This tells me that you have capitalized your title correctly. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Opening:
The argument states that instilling a sense of cooperation not competition is a best way to prepare young people for leadership in government, industry and other fields.
I noticed that you started your essay with quote or a claim by a notable figure to engage your reader's attention. That's good. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Context:
I checked your introduction for words and phrases that writers use to establish the importance of their topic. I was unable to find any matches. Establish the importance of your topic with one of these phrases: a vital factor in, the leading cause of, widely considered to be, set to become, undergoing a revolution, is responsible for. There are others. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Thesis:
While this argument is valid, it is beholden to several circumstances.
The last sentence uses provocative words that will make an impact on your reader. That's good. Remember that a good thesis statement should express a debatable claim that you can support with evidence and reasons. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Paragraph 2 - supporting argument: 55%
Topic sentence:
First of all, achievements and failures of key historical figures prove validity of this argument.
The first sentence of this paragraph contains words that will have an impact on your reader. That's good.
Nevertheless, remember this advice: an effective topic sentence in an argument essay should make a debatable claim that the rest of the paragraph will elaborate on with reasons and examples. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Argue:
You have used a word commonly used in argumentation. That's a good start. However, try to use one or two more argumentation words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: by analogy, we can conclude, evidence, fact, fallacy, implication, follows that, it makes sense, opinion, point of view, posit, premise, proof, statistic, reason, relevance. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's NOT good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have used a word commonly used when providing support. That's good. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Paragraph 3 - supporting argument: 30%
Topic sentence:
While sense of cooperation led to economic prosperity based on the historical events outlined in the paragraph above, healthy sense of competition may be one of the ingredients of high quality deliverables.
The first sentence of your first body paragraph makes a very weak claim. You can improve your score by making a strong claim in the first sentence of each body paragraph that you can elaborate on with the rest of the paragraph. Here is an example of a topic sentence that makes a strong claim: We need to tax processed food with added sugar to reduce the harm it is causing. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Argue:
You have not used any words commonly used in argumentation. Use argumentation words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: by analogy, we can conclude, evidence, fact, fallacy, implication, follows that, it makes sense, opinion, point of view, posit, premise, proof, statistic, reason, relevance. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's NOT good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have used a word commonly used when providing support. That's good. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Paragraph 4 - supporting argument: 40%
Topic sentence:
Secondly, cooperation may lead to healthy relationships among workers in the professional settings.
The first sentence of this paragraph contains words that will have an impact on your reader. That's good.
Nevertheless, remember this advice: an effective topic sentence in an argument essay should make a debatable claim that the rest of the paragraph will elaborate on with reasons and examples. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Argue:
You have not used any words commonly used in argumentation. Use argumentation words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: by analogy, we can conclude, evidence, fact, fallacy, implication, follows that, it makes sense, opinion, point of view, posit, premise, proof, statistic, reason, relevance. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's NOT good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have used a word commonly used when providing support. That's good. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Paragraph 5 - conclusion: 33%
Reformulation of the thesis:
To conclude, I agree that sense of cooperation and not competition fosters better leadership and lead to economic development in the long term.
Your reformulated thesis in your conclusion is 16% the same as your thesis statement in your introduction. That's good. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Recommendation:
The paragraph contains suggestion words like
No recommendation? I checked your conclusion for advice words to see if you had recommended a course of action to your reader. I was unable to detect any of these words and their conjugations: should, must, have to, has to, ought to, recommend, propose, encourage. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Prediction:
No prediction? I checked your conclusion for prediction words to see if you had made a prediction. I was unable to detect any of these words: will, would, going to, likely to. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Vocabulary: 86%
Argument-related words: argument, conclude, states, to illustrate
Feedback: You have used only a few words related to argumentation. Expect the minimum score for minimal effort. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Vocabulary profile:
Feedback: 52% of your essay comprises the most common 1000 words in the language. You possess a very large vocabulary and excellent academic potential. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Academic vocabulary profile: benefit, economic, achieve, achievement, conclude, participant, circumstance, illustrate, instance, valid, validity, goal, professional, promote, academic, generation, target, cooperate, cooperation, motivate, couple, implicit, paragraph
Feedback: 23% of your essay comprises words from the academic word list. You possess a very large academic vocabulary and suggests excellent academic potential. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Language Accuracy: 80%
Number of errors: 3
Feedback: I was able to detect a few errors in your writing. Do your best to eliminate any avoidable errors in your writing by rereading your essay carefully and by using a spell checker and grammar checker. Your score for this feature = 90/100
Grammar Check Feedback
You wrote: ...sense of cooperation not competition is a best way to prepare young people for le...
Feedback: Use "the" with the superlative.
Suggestion: the
You wrote: ... bureaucracy and corruption in Italy by president Berlusconi led to economic deterioratio...
Feedback: Capitalize days of the week, proper names, months, cities, provinces, countries, languages, and nationalities.
Suggestion: President
You wrote: ... one of the ingredients of high quality deliverables. For instance, participants of academic...
Feedback: Possible spelling mistake found
Suggestion: deliverable, deliverable s
Statistics
1. You have written 306 words.
2. I count a total of 5 paragraphs.
3. You have written 14 sentences.
4. Your average sentence length is 21.86.
5. You have written 0 question.
6. You have used 1 first-person pronoun (I, me, my, mine).
Writing quality: 53%
Cohesion:
You have transition words and cohesion devices in your essay to help your reader understand the relationship between your ideas. Add more transition words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of transitions that you can use are as follows: along the same lines, because of this, as an example, as an illustration, take the case of, to illustrate, as a matter of fact, there is no question that, without a doubt. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Dynamism:
Your writing style is only somewhat dynamic. Increase the variance in your sentence length by writing a combination of short sentences and long sentences to increase your score. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Provocativeness:
Your essay contains very few words that will provoke an emotional reaction in your reader. Provocative words help to engage and sustain your reader's attention. Add more to increase your score. Here are some examples of words that provoke an emotional reaction in readers: awe-inspiring, brutal, children, danger, explode, fear, gorgeous, hoax, invasion... Your score for this feature = 40/100
Cliches:
I did not detect any cliches in your writing. No penalty was applied.
Exclamation marks:
I did not detect any exclamation marks in your writing. No penalty was applied.
Essay structure and content: 50%
Paragraph 1 - introduction: 83%
Title:
I could not detect any word with four letters or more in your title that was not capitalized. This tells me that you have capitalized your title correctly. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Opening:
The argument states that instilling a sense of cooperation not competition is a best way to prepare young people for leadership in government, industry and other fields.
I noticed that you started your essay with quote or a claim by a notable figure to engage your reader's attention. That's good. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Context:
I checked your introduction for words and phrases that writers use to establish the importance of their topic. I was unable to find any matches. Establish the importance of your topic with one of these phrases: a vital factor in, the leading cause of, widely considered to be, set to become, undergoing a revolution, is responsible for. There are others. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Thesis:
While this argument is valid, it is beholden to several circumstances.
The last sentence uses provocative words that will make an impact on your reader. That's good. Remember that a good thesis statement should express a debatable claim that you can support with evidence and reasons. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Paragraph 2 - supporting argument: 55%
Topic sentence:
First of all, achievements and failures of key historical figures prove validity of this argument.
The first sentence of this paragraph contains words that will have an impact on your reader. That's good.
Nevertheless, remember this advice: an effective topic sentence in an argument essay should make a debatable claim that the rest of the paragraph will elaborate on with reasons and examples. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Argue:
You have used a word commonly used in argumentation. That's a good start. However, try to use one or two more argumentation words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: by analogy, we can conclude, evidence, fact, fallacy, implication, follows that, it makes sense, opinion, point of view, posit, premise, proof, statistic, reason, relevance. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's NOT good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have used a word commonly used when providing support. That's good. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Paragraph 3 - supporting argument: 30%
Topic sentence:
While sense of cooperation led to economic prosperity based on the historical events outlined in the paragraph above, healthy sense of competition may be one of the ingredients of high quality deliverables.
The first sentence of your first body paragraph makes a very weak claim. You can improve your score by making a strong claim in the first sentence of each body paragraph that you can elaborate on with the rest of the paragraph. Here is an example of a topic sentence that makes a strong claim: We need to tax processed food with added sugar to reduce the harm it is causing. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Argue:
You have not used any words commonly used in argumentation. Use argumentation words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: by analogy, we can conclude, evidence, fact, fallacy, implication, follows that, it makes sense, opinion, point of view, posit, premise, proof, statistic, reason, relevance. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's NOT good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have used a word commonly used when providing support. That's good. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Paragraph 4 - supporting argument: 40%
Topic sentence:
Secondly, cooperation may lead to healthy relationships among workers in the professional settings.
The first sentence of this paragraph contains words that will have an impact on your reader. That's good.
Nevertheless, remember this advice: an effective topic sentence in an argument essay should make a debatable claim that the rest of the paragraph will elaborate on with reasons and examples. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Argue:
You have not used any words commonly used in argumentation. Use argumentation words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: by analogy, we can conclude, evidence, fact, fallacy, implication, follows that, it makes sense, opinion, point of view, posit, premise, proof, statistic, reason, relevance. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Evidence:
You have not used any words commonly used used when giving evidence. That's NOT good. Use one or two more words and phrases for giving evidence to get a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: according to, to quote from, tells us that, shows us that, referring to, argues that, stated, wrote, argued, discussed, expressed the concern that. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Support:
You have used a word commonly used when providing support. That's good. Use one or two more support words and phrases for a higher score. Some examples of words that you can use are as follows: a case in point, an analogy, another way, as an example, as an illustration, consider, put another way. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Paragraph 5 - conclusion: 33%
Reformulation of the thesis:
To conclude, I agree that sense of cooperation and not competition fosters better leadership and lead to economic development in the long term.
Your reformulated thesis in your conclusion is 16% the same as your thesis statement in your introduction. That's good. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Recommendation:
The paragraph contains suggestion words like
No recommendation? I checked your conclusion for advice words to see if you had recommended a course of action to your reader. I was unable to detect any of these words and their conjugations: should, must, have to, has to, ought to, recommend, propose, encourage. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Prediction:
No prediction? I checked your conclusion for prediction words to see if you had made a prediction. I was unable to detect any of these words: will, would, going to, likely to. Your score for this feature = 0/100
Vocabulary: 86%
Argument-related words: argument, conclude, states, to illustrate
Feedback: You have used only a few words related to argumentation. Expect the minimum score for minimal effort. Your score for this feature = 60/100
Vocabulary profile:
Feedback: 52% of your essay comprises the most common 1000 words in the language. You possess a very large vocabulary and excellent academic potential. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Academic vocabulary profile: benefit, economic, achieve, achievement, conclude, participant, circumstance, illustrate, instance, valid, validity, goal, professional, promote, academic, generation, target, cooperate, cooperation, motivate, couple, implicit, paragraph
Feedback: 23% of your essay comprises words from the academic word list. You possess a very large academic vocabulary and suggests excellent academic potential. Your score for this feature = 100/100
Language Accuracy: 80%
Number of errors: 3
Feedback: I was able to detect a few errors in your writing. Do your best to eliminate any avoidable errors in your writing by rereading your essay carefully and by using a spell checker and grammar checker. Your score for this feature = 90/100
Grammar Check Feedback
You wrote: ...sense of cooperation not competition is a best way to prepare young people for le...
Feedback: Use "the" with the superlative.
Suggestion: the
You wrote: ... bureaucracy and corruption in Italy by president Berlusconi led to economic deterioratio...
Feedback: Capitalize days of the week, proper names, months, cities, provinces, countries, languages, and nationalities.
Suggestion: President
You wrote: ... one of the ingredients of high quality deliverables. For instance, participants of academic...
Feedback: Possible spelling mistake found
Suggestion: deliverable, deliverable s
Re: REVIEW GRE ESSAY
[#permalink]
12 Dec 2024, 05:46
12 Dec 2024, 05:46
Expert Reply
