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Re: Feedback for my Essay please [#permalink]
kbolton89 wrote:
I’m just a student studying for the GRE, hopefully my comments/feedback are useful!

First of all, great work! You have a good word count (468) and have followed the basic formula of a good essay, which is introduction para, argument paras, rebuttal, and conclusion.

That being said, I think it would be valuable to directly state your opinion in your intro paragraph. Your opinion seems to be more closely aligned with the statement “Others believe that science has revealed to us that the world is infinitely more complex than we ever realized.” I actually think the beginning line of paragraph 4 would work well here, so it could read:

“...of everything. However, this new knowledge has created more questions and answers, such that it is almost impossible for a human to fathom the complexity of the universe. I believe that both views have their own merits and that they are correlated to each other, however my opinion more closely aligns with the statement that science has revealed that the world is more complex than we ever realized.”


I think your paragraph 3 would actually be better suited as your rebuttal, right before your concluding paragraph, as the topic of that paragraph seems to me to read as a bit of support against your origianl position from para 1.

I know I’ve had comments on my essays about transitions from paragraph to paragraph, so I’m not sure if I’m the best to say this but I think generally your transitions are ok. I think starting with “however” for a rebuttal is sufficient (as it indicates a change of idea or stance), but finding a way to link the theme of the preceding para with the theme of the following para may need some attention, I don’t know how you’d feel about linking like this (end para 2 with beginning of para 4, if you were to switch the order of your paras):

“... The creation of the digital world and machinery have made an entirely new meaning for our minds, making the world even more complex.

In that respect, it may seem that the more we understand a subject, the more confused we become. In fact, even though the subject itself may seem confusing, our understanding is actually deepening...”



A general comment, and just being picky, leave time for editing grammar. Like in para 2 “These inventions have deepen...” deepen instead of deepen. I think little things like that won’t affect your mark too much because you have to write a lot in such little time, but if possible, keep an eye on it ?



Keep on working!! You have the foundation of a good essay there!!


Wow thanks for the feedback!! I was trying to follow my inspiration when I was writing this essay, so the flow of the paragraphs may seem a bit weird. I should have gone for stating my position in my introduction. Also, when I change my transition to follow yours, the argument looks much clearer than before. That's a really good idea. I also agree with your comment about grammar. It seems I have to allocate more of my time in re-reading my essay.
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