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Can anyone please rate my Issue. PLEAS HELP
[#permalink]
09 Oct 2019, 11:14
09 Oct 2019, 11:14
Topic - "A nation should require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic courses to offer."
My essay -
Is it feasible for a nation to make a national curriculum mandatory rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation freedom to determine which courses to offer? I strongly agree with the author. A national curriculum will help students from all the parts of the country to have equal opportunities but to strictly mandate without any freedom to the schools in different parts of the country, however, can be counterproductive.
If we need to look for one of the best examples of National curriculum one need to look no further than the national curriculum in India, Central Board of Secondary Education(CBSE). A national curriculum offers equal opportunities to students of all the background, whether rich or poor. By making most of the subjects same, CBSE encourages students from even the substantially poor background from states such as Bihar, Uttar Pradesh, Haryana and Himachel Pradesh, and provides them with equal opportunities in comparison to students from states, which have greater GDP than average GPD of other states mentioned earlier, such as Mahrasthra and TamilNadu. However, CBSE does offer states some freedom and optional subjects to augment in the curriculum according to their own needs. Most of the states does not have good faculties of English language, so states augment regional languages in their curriculum.
Had the board does not allowed any scope for augmentation in the curriculum, the students from many states would not be able to clear a particular grade. To understand a foreign language without a good teacher at a young age would have detrimental impact on these students in terms of not only years wasted by a student tries to clear a particular grade but also psychological effect, which plays a very important role in the development of a child.
A centrally regulated curriculum is beneficial for a country in number of aspects. First, a country is able to teach students basic moral values and principles that helps country to thrive and have better well informed members in the society. Second, a national curriculum holds a base, which teaches students that they are members of a nation first and then members of particular state. This helps them better understand and empathize with even the people of the states far distant from their own state.
My essay -
Is it feasible for a nation to make a national curriculum mandatory rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation freedom to determine which courses to offer? I strongly agree with the author. A national curriculum will help students from all the parts of the country to have equal opportunities but to strictly mandate without any freedom to the schools in different parts of the country, however, can be counterproductive.
If we need to look for one of the best examples of National curriculum one need to look no further than the national curriculum in India, Central Board of Secondary Education(CBSE). A national curriculum offers equal opportunities to students of all the background, whether rich or poor. By making most of the subjects same, CBSE encourages students from even the substantially poor background from states such as Bihar, Uttar Pradesh, Haryana and Himachel Pradesh, and provides them with equal opportunities in comparison to students from states, which have greater GDP than average GPD of other states mentioned earlier, such as Mahrasthra and TamilNadu. However, CBSE does offer states some freedom and optional subjects to augment in the curriculum according to their own needs. Most of the states does not have good faculties of English language, so states augment regional languages in their curriculum.
Had the board does not allowed any scope for augmentation in the curriculum, the students from many states would not be able to clear a particular grade. To understand a foreign language without a good teacher at a young age would have detrimental impact on these students in terms of not only years wasted by a student tries to clear a particular grade but also psychological effect, which plays a very important role in the development of a child.
A centrally regulated curriculum is beneficial for a country in number of aspects. First, a country is able to teach students basic moral values and principles that helps country to thrive and have better well informed members in the society. Second, a national curriculum holds a base, which teaches students that they are members of a nation first and then members of particular state. This helps them better understand and empathize with even the people of the states far distant from their own state.
Re: Can anyone please rate my Issue. PLEAS HELP
[#permalink]
09 Oct 2019, 22:17
09 Oct 2019, 22:17
Hi! I hope I can provide some useful insights to you 
First of all, at the 2nd sentence in 1st para, I notice you use two conjunctions, "but" and "however", though you should omit the "however" because it does not change the flow of the sentence.
I see the 2nd para talks about the advantages of national curriculum, and the third talks about the importance of augmentation in national curriculum. However, the last sentence in the 2nd para seems to lean on the 3rd para, so I suggest you make it as the thesis statement of the 3rd para.
Your 2nd para is well-developed, but I don't think that's the case for the 3rd para. The transition from regional to foreign language is confusing, and I don't understand why having a good teacher is related to the topic. You also don't explain the "psychological effect" that can happen to the students and why " understanding foreign language without a good teacher" lead to "years wasted by a student tries to clear a particular grade".
The same goes for the 4th para, because each reasoning in this para seems to be a series of generalizations, which is bad in GRE Essay writing (you should check the ETS sample responses).
Try to review you grammar in the last minutes.
I suggest you add a conclusion to this essay. The easiest way is to paraphrase your introduction.
Overall, I believe this essay still has rooms for improvements. Good luck!
First of all, at the 2nd sentence in 1st para, I notice you use two conjunctions, "but" and "however", though you should omit the "however" because it does not change the flow of the sentence.
I see the 2nd para talks about the advantages of national curriculum, and the third talks about the importance of augmentation in national curriculum. However, the last sentence in the 2nd para seems to lean on the 3rd para, so I suggest you make it as the thesis statement of the 3rd para.
Your 2nd para is well-developed, but I don't think that's the case for the 3rd para. The transition from regional to foreign language is confusing, and I don't understand why having a good teacher is related to the topic. You also don't explain the "psychological effect" that can happen to the students and why " understanding foreign language without a good teacher" lead to "years wasted by a student tries to clear a particular grade".
The same goes for the 4th para, because each reasoning in this para seems to be a series of generalizations, which is bad in GRE Essay writing (you should check the ETS sample responses).
Try to review you grammar in the last minutes.
I suggest you add a conclusion to this essay. The easiest way is to paraphrase your introduction.
Overall, I believe this essay still has rooms for improvements. Good luck!
Re: Can anyone please rate my Issue. PLEAS HELP
[#permalink]
10 Oct 2019, 02:00
10 Oct 2019, 02:00
aplayly wrote:
Hi! I hope I can provide some useful insights to you
First of all, at the 2nd sentence in 1st para, I notice you use two conjunctions, "but" and "however", though you should omit the "however" because it does not change the flow of the sentence.
I see the 2nd para talks about the advantages of national curriculum, and the third talks about the importance of augmentation in national curriculum. However, the last sentence in the 2nd para seems to lean on the 3rd para, so I suggest you make it as the thesis statement of the 3rd para.
Your 2nd para is well-developed, but I don't think that's the case for the 3rd para. The transition from regional to foreign language is confusing, and I don't understand why having a good teacher is related to the topic. You also don't explain the "psychological effect" that can happen to the students and why " understanding foreign language without a good teacher" lead to "years wasted by a student tries to clear a particular grade".
The same goes for the 4th para, because each reasoning in this para seems to be a series of generalizations, which is bad in GRE Essay writing (you should check the ETS sample responses).
Try to review you grammar in the last minutes.
I suggest you add a conclusion to this essay. The easiest way is to paraphrase your introduction.
Overall, I believe this essay still has rooms for improvements. Good luck!
First of all, at the 2nd sentence in 1st para, I notice you use two conjunctions, "but" and "however", though you should omit the "however" because it does not change the flow of the sentence.
I see the 2nd para talks about the advantages of national curriculum, and the third talks about the importance of augmentation in national curriculum. However, the last sentence in the 2nd para seems to lean on the 3rd para, so I suggest you make it as the thesis statement of the 3rd para.
Your 2nd para is well-developed, but I don't think that's the case for the 3rd para. The transition from regional to foreign language is confusing, and I don't understand why having a good teacher is related to the topic. You also don't explain the "psychological effect" that can happen to the students and why " understanding foreign language without a good teacher" lead to "years wasted by a student tries to clear a particular grade".
The same goes for the 4th para, because each reasoning in this para seems to be a series of generalizations, which is bad in GRE Essay writing (you should check the ETS sample responses).
Try to review you grammar in the last minutes.
I suggest you add a conclusion to this essay. The easiest way is to paraphrase your introduction.
Overall, I believe this essay still has rooms for improvements. Good luck!
I have revised my essay. Please check now. What should be the optimal length. According to you, what will be my AWA score?
Is it feasible for a nation to make a national curriculum mandatory rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation freedom to determine which courses to offer? I strongly agree with the author. A national curriculum will help students from all the parts of the country to have equal opportunities but to strictly mandate without any freedom to the schools in different parts of the country, however, can be counterproductive.
If we need to look for one of the best examples of National curriculum one need to look no further than the national curriculum in India, Central Board of Secondary Education(CBSE). A national curriculum offers equal opportunities to students of all the background, whether rich or poor. By making most of the subjects same, CBSE encourages students from even the substantially poor background from states such as Bihar, Uttar Pradesh, Haryana and Himachel Pradesh, and provides them with equal opportunities in comparison to students from states, which have greater GDP than average GPD of other states mentioned earlier, such as Mahrasthra and TamilNadu. However, CBSE does offer states some freedom and optional subjects to augment in the curriculum according to their own needs. Most of the states does not have good faculties of English language, so states augment regional languages in their curriculum.
If we consider the case in which the national curriculum had the not allowed any scope for augmentation in the curriculum, the students from many states would not be able to clear a particular grade. To understand a foreign language such as English, which is the medium in which students are taught in the north India and in which almost all the books are written such as Science, Social Studies and Mathematics, without a good teacher at a young age would have detrimental impact on these students in terms of not only years wasted by a student tries to clear a particular grade but also psychological effect, which plays a very important role in the development of a child.
A centrally regulated curriculum is beneficial for a country in number of aspects. A nation is able to teach students basic moral values and principles that helps country to thrive and have better well informed members in the society. By inculcating teachings in the early courses, a central board develops the feeling of patriotism, which would be difficult if there were many curriculum across the different states in the country, among children. So, a national curriculum which offers some freedom of augmentation is beneficial for children, society and economic growth in a country.
