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Re: Please review the issue and argument essay and rate it [#permalink]
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Response
Teaching is one of the highly debatable topics in current scenario. people are defined by the actions they perform and this plays a very important role in molding their character. It is indeed incontrovertible that any positive action performed by the person ("the"..the person is not yet being introduce...the should be replaced by a) should be encouraged and exalted as it would be a very good teaching experience thus motivating the individual. However, it would be bad if we ignore their negative actions and only consider the positive ones while teaching. In any way of teaching an individual, the negative actions are to be criticized in the same amount as they are praised for their positive ones.

Schools are generally places a child learns of the basic subjects and vales of his life and this (plural.. therefore these) forms a very good base for him in future for building on this knowledge with complex concepts. Teachers are always inclined to encourage students in their endeavors and always support the students good actions. However, it would be very wrong on their part if they completely ignore their negative traits. For example, a student (something missing here...like "who")good in studies and ranks first among the class could treat others disrespectfully and carry on (with) lot of pride and arrogance in interacting with others. Here, even though the students academic performance is to be exalted, his bad habits should not be overlooked and the teachers should address it so that the student would not have the same bad attitude in his further life too.

Criticism plays a very important role in teaching people in the same ways as praising an individual. If the person does not get any useful negative comments on which he could improve and just positive comments from the people then he would not be able to assess his performance and improve further. For example, if an actor is just provided with encomiums and his negative traits are overlooked, he might not know his weaknesses and would be under the impression that his (he is) perfect and requires no change. That is the reason, the critics play a very important role in movie industry as their(they are) able to highlight the negative actions so that the people involved in the movie could improve upon them. In this case, the critics comments would be lot of helpful(would be helpful... or would be lot of help) to the actor in becoming a very good artist.

political leaders all over the world are revered by their population and these leaders become a very good source of inspiration to the people :roll: :roll: (Not really). Even the leaders governing the country (which country..?) learn everyday from their daily experiences and these help them in further enhancing the life(are they doctors?) of their population. Even though their good work is to be celebrated by people their negative works should not be neglected. Criticizing the negative actions undertaken by the government helps in making the leaders realize their mistakes thus encouraging them to correct their errors and avoid them in future.

On the flip side, however, one may argue that ignoring negative actions would be the best way since the person would always be kept motivated and would not encounter any negativity. This could be helpful for some handful amount of people who are not comfortable with others pointing out their negative points, but in general overlooking the negative actions would likely result in bad effects for the individual. (good point)

Criticizing people for their negative actions is as important as praising their good actions. Only by commenting on their shortcomings and their negative traits an individual could learn properly and improve further. Avoiding their negative actions would just lead to individuals who are just being praised heavily and are not aware of their mistakes. (conclusion not strong enough)

Remarks


My rating would be 3.5 - 4.
The reasons are highlighted below:
  • Grammatical and sentence structure errors
  • The essay fails to convince the reader that your stand is the right one
  • Conclusion and the examples you have provided can be a lot better.

Maybe my expectations were a bit high after reading your argument essay which was definitely top notch. But you essay needs a lot of work. I will suggest the following points to improve on:
  • Do not use fancy words like encomiums,incontrovertible. A myth about GRE essays is that the usage of GRE words in the essay has a correlation with the essay score. Not really! As long as you use proper grammar and defend your point intelligently and use precise vocabulary to convey meaning effectively, you should be alright. It is not needed that you use heavy vocabulary or GRE words.
  • Start and end strong. Concluding the essay is very important. I suggest before starting to write the essay you should have a clear cut idea and structure on how to present it. You can spare 3-4 mins to think about it and then start writing.
  • Read some sample essays. The following link is an excellent guide indeed http://gmatclub.com/forum/how-to-get-6- ... 64327.html.

I hope this helps and do not hesitate if you have further queries. We are here to help! :)
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Re: Please review the issue and argument essay and rate it [#permalink]
Thanks a ton for your prompt reply :) . I'll surely work on my mistakes to write better essays.
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Re: Please review the issue and argument essay and rate it [#permalink]
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Happy to help! If you have any doubt about GRE questions and essays put it up here, we will try our best to help. Best of luck for your preparation!
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Re: Please review the issue and argument essay and rate it [#permalink]
I have worked upon some details and wrote a new issue essay, can you please provide your valuable feedback and ratings on it.

Also, I had a doubt regarding what importance does the different instructions specified in essay prompts have in writing our essays. Do we have change the essays according to the various instructions which the prompt is indicating or just modify certain sentences keeping the original template to be same?


Claim: Governments must ensure that their major cities receive the financial support they need in order to thrive.
Reason: It is primarily in cities that a nation's cultural traditions are preserved and generated.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

Response

Government of a nation truly plays an important role in preserving its cultural traditions and practices and so must very well ensure that they provide enough support to its population in order to thrive. Although major cities of any nation are generally popular to the masses and are economically well developed, it does not mean that only in cities a nation's cultural traditions are generated and preserved and the rural areas should be abandoned. Governments should rather allocate a fair budget to both cities and villages so that their nation's culture could be truly preserved.

From the ancient times, it has been evidenced that many of the art forms have originated from the rural areas. For example, many cultural dance forms in India find their roots in villages from which they were known to the general public. However, the major cities generally tend to forget these cultural dance forms and rather place emphasis on the popular global dance forms. Rural people on the other hand are not inclined towards these attractive changing trends and are supportive of their cultural art forms. The government of India here should encourage and support villages so as to preserve its cultural dance forms and avoid them become obsolete.

Moreover, there are many heritage structures which form a very integral part of our history are situated in both rural areas and cities. Governments should ensure that they both receive adequate amount of funding in order to properly maintain the structures. Financing just the major cities would be unfair and lead to many past constructions around village areas to be neglected. For example, there are several large forts situated around the countryside which were constructed hundreds of years ago and still generate a lot of tourism from different villages. These types of large structures would not be available in major cities where the need for space eventually results in demolition of those structures. Therefore, governments should pay proper attention to villages too and not primarily on major cities.

It should also be noted that a major city could not be a true representative of any nation's culture and traditions. For example, New York, Mumbai or Paris could not be the only places to be studied while getting to know the cultures of their respective countries. Furthermore, Mumbai, Delhi or Bangalore could not sufficiently represent the cultural traditions of India. The countryside places would also hold equal amount of importance and they should not be ignored while considering India's cultural traditions.

On the flip side however, one may argue that the major cities should be primarily funded based on their economic and strategic importance and also from the viewpoint that cultures practiced in these cities would attract global attention. However, this is a very narrow outlook which ignores the role played by villages in a nation's culture and therefore would lead to many negative effects rather than positive ones.

In conclusion, Governments should do their best in preserving their nations culture and make sure that it does not get extinct. However, they should make sure that not just the major cities get the financial support and the villages are left out. Financial Support to each and every place would be highly beneficial in preserving a nation's culture.
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Re: Please review the issue and argument essay and rate it [#permalink]
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Response

Government of a nation truly plays an important role in preserving its cultural traditions and practices and so must very well ensure that they provide enough support to its population in order to thrive. Although major cities of any nation are generally popular to the masses and are economically well developed, it does not mean that only in cities a nation's cultural traditions are generated and preserved and the rural areas should be abandoned (nothing said about that in the claim). Governments should rather allocate a fair budget to both cities and villages so that their nation's culture could be truly preserved.

From the ancient times, it has been evidenced that many of the art forms have originated from the rural areas. For example, many cultural dance forms in India find their roots in villages from which they were known to the general public. However, the major cities generally tend to forget these cultural dance forms and rather place emphasis on the popular global dance forms. Rural people on the other hand are not inclined towards these attractive changing trends and are supportive of their cultural art forms. The government of India here should encourage and support villages so as to preserve its cultural dance forms and avoid them become obsolete (sounds strange this part...maybe better way to structure the sentence).

Moreover, there are many heritage structures which form a very integral part of our history are situated in both rural areas and cities. Governments should ensure that they both receive adequate amount of funding in order to properly maintain the structures. Financing just the major cities would be unfair and lead to many past constructions around village areas to be neglected. For example, there are several large forts situated around the countryside which were constructed hundreds of years ago and still generate a lot of tourism from different villages. These types of large structures would not be available in major cities where the need for space eventually results in demolition of those structures. Therefore, governments should pay proper attention to villages too and not primarily on major cities.

It should also be noted that a major city could not be a true representative of any nation's culture and traditions. For example, New York, Mumbai or Paris could not be the only places to be studied while getting to know the cultures of their respective countries. Furthermore, Mumbai, Delhi or Bangalore could not sufficiently represent the cultural traditions of India. The countryside places would also hold equal amount of importance and they should not be ignored while considering India's cultural traditions.(I like the idea but execution can be better)

On the flip side however, one may argue that the major cities should be primarily funded based on their economic and strategic importance and also from the viewpoint that cultures practiced in these cities would attract global attention. However, this is a very narrow outlook which ignores the role played by villages in a nation's culture and therefore would lead to many negative effects rather than positive ones.

In conclusion, Governments should do their best in preserving their nations culture and make sure that it does not get extinct. However, they should make sure that not just the major cities get the financial support and the villages are left out. Financial Support to each and every place would be highly beneficial in preserving a nation's culture.


Verdict


I will give it a 4, a definite improve over the last one. The following points you can still improve in my opinion:
  • Your points are good and thought-provoking. However, you can do a better job at explaining them.
  • Some of your sentences are long and complicated. You can simplify them.
  • Conclusion can be a bit better. Maybe try to summarize your arguments in a line or two and then conclude.
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Re: Please review the issue and argument essay and rate it [#permalink]
Thanks for your feedback on the essay. I'll try to improve further on my shortcomings.

Also, can you provide some information on the following doubt
What importance does the different task instructions specified in essay prompts have in writing our essays. Do we have to completely change our essays according to the various instructions which the prompt is indicating or just modify certain sentences keeping the original template to be same?
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Re: Please review the issue and argument essay and rate it [#permalink]
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