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Re: Assessment of Analytical Writing: Issue Essay [#permalink]
Jennytran333 Thank you such an exhaustive feedback for the essay, keeping in spirit of this forum. Midway during the essay, I too thought that I was lacking towards the depth of the essay, when it came to examples. Also regarding the use of the word imbibe, I was referring to one of the meaning of the words which relates to gain or assimilate ideas or knowledge.

Thanks again for the review.
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Re: Assessment of Analytical Writing: Issue Essay [#permalink]
flamestones wrote:
Jennytran333 Thank you such an exhaustive feedback for the essay, keeping in spirit of this forum. Midway during the essay, I too thought that I was lacking towards the depth of the essay, when it came to examples. Also regarding the use of the word imbibe, I was referring to one of the meaning of the words which relates to gain or assimilate ideas or knowledge.

Thanks again for the review.

Happy to help! I know how you feel. It's stressful especially on a topic you're not as comfortable with because you know you're on a time crunch, but it's taking some time to wrap your head around just what you want to say. Hang in there! When in doubt, spend more time on your outline and once you're confident in what you have to say the rest should work itself out. It's better to invest that time in knowing exactly what you want than to waste time floundering and creating something you know could have been better. It's been a while since I've had timed essays, but back in the day, I would give myself about 5-7 minutes just to make the outline because I noticed a huge difference between the quality of my essays/ conviction of my writing.
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Re: Assessment of Analytical Writing: Issue Essay [#permalink]
can anyone grade these 2 AWAs :

1) Prompt: Mass media and the internet have caused people’s attention spans to get shorter. However, the overall effect has been positive: while people are less able to focus on one thing, they more than make up for it with an enhanced ability to sort through large quantities of information and find what’s important.

Response:
It is claimed that media and internet are affecting us by reducing our attention span, but it has a positive result overall, as it is enhancing our ability to sort through large amount of data to find what is important. In order to reach a solid colcusion it is important to explore the arguments for and against the claim.

To begin with, let's consider the arguments against this claim. It is true that due to this reduced span of attention, most of the things seem dull and we are not easily fascinated or interested in anything, as a result we miss out on many analogies. For example, consider this situation, you are sitting at your homein front of your 55 inch LED ultra HD telivision and turn on hotstar to watch "Cosmos: A Spacetime odyssey" by Neil deGrasse Tyson. With the latest VFX technologies they have created this show to give a live experience of the space and its secrets. Now, suppose you can see the same thing by going to a planetarium, where you have to buy the ticket before hand and reach on time, not to mention the crowd, would you rather sit home infront of the telivision or got to the planetarium to see the same show? most of us would stay home comfortably and watch the show on hotstar. Recent studies suggest the same. It was found the around 80% of the people surveyed use apps like inshorts, which gives the daily news in just few lines. This shows, that most people would choose the apps commodities or services whihc consume less time and gives enough information, which has caused the reduced attention span.

But on the other hand, the reduced attention span enhances our ability to go through large data and to find important ones. For instance, consider the example of people reading the daily news, now people use apps like inshorts to read the news in few lines, so one can scroll through the app and find the news whihc is important to him, like a stock broker can find the financial news at in few seconds. Hence, the enhanced ability to bucket the important data.

To conclude, I agree with the statement as it enhances our ability to find the useful, important and relevant information.



2) Claim: Pirouettes Ballet School is the clear choice for any child. Of all the dance schools in Elmtown, Pirouettes has the most intensive program, and our teachers have danced in the most prestigious ballet companies all over the world. Many of our students have gone on to become professional dancers with top dance companies.

Response:
Pirouettes Ballet School claims that they are the choice of the children who want to pursue ballet dancing. They based their argument on the premises that their program is intensive and the previous students have gone to perform for many top dance companies. The argument is flawed because the school refrains itself from answering the following questions:

To begin with, it does not answer the question if the program gives individual attention to the students. The author talks about the program being intensive, but what if it is not at the same pace of some students, then these students would fail to cope up with the curriculum, which most certainly flaws the argument. In order to support the argument, the author must have mentioned how intensive the program is and if the program is in accord with the average or below average students.

In adittion to this, the author assumes that if the previous students of the school have performed at many dance companies, the prospective students will achieve the same success. He fails to provide proper metrics of the teachers and students who performed at the companies. What if the students were choosen by the dance companies first and then sent for practice at the school? this clearly undermines the claim, that the school contributed towards the success of these students. To justify the statement the school must have provided the metrics of the students choosen to perform at dance companies after admission to the ballet school.

To conclude, the author's argument is flawed because he refrains to answer the questions such as, how the intensive program helps the average or below avergae students? how many students were selected to perform at dance companies before and after taking admission to the school? In order to solidify the conclusion the authour should have answered these questions.
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Re: Assessment of Analytical Writing: Issue Essay [#permalink]
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Don't hijack a topic and don't post 2 :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:
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Re: Assessment of Analytical Writing: Issue Essay [#permalink]
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